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Apr. 2nd, 2017

Bad hair day

Keeping Afloat

Keep swimming, keep swimming...

Are those the words of the famous fish Dory?

I was told they were last night over a couple of brews. Well more than a couple but it's all good. Not feeling too bad so there isn't much damage done. Although I spent more than intended on a good time I have to say the "let's get drunk" endeavor was much needed. As the alcohol flowed so did the laughter and you can't get any better medicine than some good ole' belly laughs!!

My life seems to be in disarray-

It's nothing new. I'm used to it. Roomie is bailing on me and there doesn't seem to be any prospects for new tenancy so I'm looking into a studio for myself. Could do me good, alone time. regroup, rethink, re-evaluate. Then again a second job could keep me where I am at. I haven't decided which path to take. If I choose the latter the place is furnished so that is a plus because I own nothing...just my back pack, clothes and cell.

Crossing fingers the choice will be the right one.

Keep swimming, keep swimming...

Feb. 15th, 2017

Bad hair day

Life Throws Ya Curves but Ya Learn to Swerve

Hey y'all, Happy New Year! I know I am a month late but as the saying goes - better late than never.

My new year has sucked so far.

My car broke down. Lost two days of work because I couldn't find a ride. I could've did the bus but ... nada too freaking cold to walk from a bus stop to where I work. Call me lazy I give zero fucks if ya do. I lost the money but I haven't gotten sick with a cold, stomach bug or flu so ... I did the right thing. Any way I got paid for one day cause I earned that day so ... that's a that. So actually to correct myself I lost one day of work.

I'm back up and running though. My biggie is fixed. Alternator, wasn't cheap but it's a rebuild so... it works which is the point. Hopefully the piece of crap will make it through this winter. I amazed its made it so far this mont but I better shut my mouth 👄 before I jinx myself.

My roomie didn't pay their share of the rent January. The landlord was not nice even though my roomie was visiting their family and would return on the 6th, they actually didn't return until the tenth, paid their half on the 15th without even an apology to me for covering for them and paying my share on time. Needless to say it's been rather chilly in the apartment and I don't like it. Keeps up I am on my way. Might even look for a small one bedroom just for myself. I'm not a big spender so ... I just might be able to swing it.

I dunno 🤷‍♀️ time will tell.

Dec. 28th, 2016

Goof

The Most Wonderful Time ( happy holidays)

Life is pretty smooth sailing until the holidays appear. As soon as Halloween is over the text messages, FB messages, and voicemails start. I ignore them for as long as I can. Not out of spite, although spitefullness has been known to be a big part of my persona, it really is not the reason I hold off on answers - truly. The reason I am so snailish to return messages is because I just don't have the answers to the questions.

I cannot not give time lines and time frames. I work now. I am not in college where I have numerous breaks that can be complained about money wise and why it costs so much if I am never there. I have a place to pay for, electricity, heat, food, a car - all to pay for!!!

Yeah I now know what REAL LIFE is all about! It's about being broke!

Yet I made the annual carving of the bird. I weathered the rough waters like the little dingy I am, paddling through the disapproving glares and cynical comments of how much I screwed up my life.

Face it people, being born into this freakshow screwed my life up from the starting gate, making a life decision for myself had nothing to do with the hot mess I am.

I overstretched my budget purchasing gifts, pulled my big girl pants on, slapped a stupefied holiday smile on my face, and delivered them all accordingly to the tune of Frère Jacques sung as you're a fuck up, you're a fuck up, I wasted money on you, money on you....

Yes it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Aug. 11th, 2016

sweater/steps

Its All Good

And it has.

No major up and downs other than the regular bickering and being told how to live MY life. I can deal with it. I am used to it. In one ear out the other.

I often wonder what it feels like to think you have complete control over someone. I understand parental obligations but I am old enough to decide whether I want to fall flat on my face or abide by what is wished I would do or do as they say.

This is my journey

I want to believe we are coming to an understanding but I know that deep in the recesses of their being they are just screaming "I am screwing up my life!" Maybe I am but it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

That is not to say, and I am aware, that months, perhaps years, I will be looking at my reflection and cursing myself for not listening and damning myself for being so stubborn.

Right now it feels pretty good.

Feb. 14th, 2016

Bad hair day

Decision Made

I dropped out of college-temporarily, I think. I have a job. I have an apartment. Two cool room mates. Life is good.

When all was said and done, arguements and hurt feelings as well as money lost, school just was not at that moment in time for me. In all honesty I was lost, so undecided of what path I should take and what class or classes would match up to that career path it all became far too overwhelming and I was buckling. Teetering on the edge of insanity from the stress and in a constant state of depression. Of course choice words and things were said to me. I was told I was thinking and acting like a loser and perhaps I was, grappling with the fear and the sick stomach of who I was letting down. I was letting them all down. I knew it. I know it.

Regardless.

One can only find happiness in ones self.

I am searching for that happiness now. I am not all the way there and I don't know if I ever will be but the atempt is there.

A star worth shooting for.

Aug. 14th, 2015

sweater/steps

Contemplations and Dilemmas

I really don't want to go back to school. I have a few days left before I have to leave and I am really dreading it. I have no major. I have no idea. I just know that school is not where I want to be right now. My job is done in a few days and I really want to tell them that I am going to stick around, put school off for a year, find myself, get grounded and find what I want out of this so called life of mine.

I have to tell them. I have to talk to them about it. I have to be honest but I feel like such a loser, all the money spent, all the hopes. I feel like I would be letting so many people down. I KNOW I would be letting people down and in the process angering so many.

I am not good at school. I never was. I struggled. I will struggle again. Is that a good thing? Will the struggle make me a better person if I stick it out and decide on some path I am not even sure about?

I like working. I like having money in my pocket. I could get a job and try school. I could go back for the first quarter and maybe second and see by winter break if it still is what I should do. I know everyone says get a college education but frankly, most I know, have dropped out of college and are happy they did.

What I would really love to do is - travel. Tour the world. That is what life is about, at least that is what we are told, live by experience. Well you do not get much experience with your nose in a book or staring at a computer screen as you would traveling. Thing is you need money to travel, lots of money.

I can see it now, sitting around the table, all eyes on me in anticipation of what I am about to say. The first question asked before I even begin will be "Are you pregnant? I know it you're pregnant." Maybe I should go with that. Honesty has never been a real strong suit in my family. Manipulation and lies always seems to work best.(j/k).

I should be writing this out on Face Kisser like most do. Then I could just say did ya read it but I am so much the coward.

Oh crap I don't know what to do.

Dec. 30th, 2014

windswept hair

I know You Lie Your Lips Are Movin'

Ok song is in my head. What a diabolical thing to do to me today. Stick a song in my head that I am not sure if I like or not. Certainly is catchy.

I really have to get motivated today. I am, as of late, rather apt at wasting away the day. I am well aware that I need to get things done but I allow myself the leisurely privilege of not doing them. This is not good. Pages must be read and papers must be written.

Nov. 30th, 2014

Bad hair day

Woot! COOKIES!!

Baking Cookies!!!

The baking of cookies as a seasonal tradition it my favorite activity of the season. I am more of a cookie girl than I am a pie or cake girl. So I am excited for the Chocolate Chips to come out of the oven!!

Life is good as long as there is a glass of mild and a warm chocolate chip cookie. {{{{HAPPY}}}

Nov. 28th, 2014

Bad hair day

Peaceful Holiday - no bumps and bruises

Sent the day with the fam yesterday. Wasn't as bas as I had anticipated it to be which for me --- IS A GOOD THING.

No sideways looks, no raised brows, no overly nosy questions. Just turkey, stuffing and casual talk.

I am so thankful for how the day went and can say this - it's about time.

There is really no point asking and asking and asking about my plans for the future when I have none. For some planning is a wonderful thing. For me planning and trying to maintain some strategic manner to make those plans come to light does not work for me. This is not to say I have no goal. I do. I am just not obsessive about the planning right down to the last minute detail. I do not possess such an organizational gene. I do so much better when it is still part messy/part clear. This allows for options - not air-headedness - options. You never know when the road will take a sharp right turn or left and if overly planned to keep going straight well, if such a turn occurs than a monkey wrench is thrown into the whole sha-bang. A realist? Perhaps. I am just always ready for the dips and dives - nothing is perfect. I KNOW THIS. Those in my immediate do not. How I managed to be born into such a bunch who plan for no bumps and bruises is beyond my knowledge.



Reading - Prince Lestat.

Nov. 10th, 2014

Bad hair day

So Done With It

OMG I think I have a topic to feel some entries up. LOL :/

Come home from work and the gang is all here. Now I am all for company...on certain days. Man it is Monday and you all were here Saturday afternoon into the night then again Sunday afternoon and for what?? To play video games. Now I love games too that is when I can get to play them on my console but lately that ain't happen.

I am just so done with this...

Honey send your pals home.

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